Let me apologize again for our earlier error. We mistakenly reported that the Pirate Party had won 79 seats; what we meant to say was that the Pittsburgh Pirates won the '79 World Series. We were looking up the results on our phone, and it isn't Hebrew-enabled... Never mind.
here are the confirmed results. In what is being called (by us right
now) "a once-in-a-millennium revolution," Prime Minister Benjamin "Bibi"
Netanyahu is the stunning winner, as the right-wing parties have scored
42 seats. Remember how last time it was 44, and the time before that
43? Undoubtedly, this is the most significant event in human history
since the earth cooled 2.5 billion years ago. (CORRECTION:
Bibi's likely haredi coalition partners are telling us that it was 5776
years ago.) Apparently, his slogan: "Third Intifadah, Fourth Gaza War,
Fifth Term" truly resonated with voters.
Labor Leader Meirav
Michaeli was stunned by the results, as her party received only 20
seats. In her concession speech, she said, "What? You didn't want
another journalist? But I'm the scion of an important family too! Don't
you think--" At this point, she was replaced by Eitan Cabel, who
promised a new direction for Labor.
Within the right, Naftali
Bennett was mystified as to why his party has shrunk to 5 seats. Some
have criticized his choice to rename it the Jewish No Homo Party, but
Bennett remains convinced that he will take over the Likud within 18
Avigdor Lieberman has scored 8 seats, with his Red-handed
Army initiative, committing him to bring to Knesset only politicians who
are under ethics investigation. Of course, he faced some stiff
opposition from Aryeh Makhloufeasance Deri's Maranimum Security Party,
which includes only convicted felons. Readers may recall that Ehud
Olmert was granted early parole in order to run, in the famous Supreme
Court ruling We Don't Really Give a Flying F Anymore (And Before You
Ask, Zoabi and Marzel Can Run Too).
BREAKING: Eitan Cabel has been replaced by Stav Shaffir.
biggest surprise may be that the Righters' Bloc cleared the electoral
threshold. "We kept trying to forge alliances between the political
right and the religious right," said a spokesman, "but then we realized
we needed the economic right, right-fielders, and right-hand men (and
women. Just kidding, obviously no women)."
Meretz gained a seat,
but leader Zehava Gal-On was heard to say: "We used to have 12! Forgive
me, Mother Shulamit!" This statement was a bit muffled, as she had her
head in an oven at the time. As the Israeli medical establishment has
never had to treat a case of accountability, Deputy Minister of Health
Yaakov Litzman has recommended she be transported abroad for treatment.
As leader of United Torah Judaism, neither Litzman nor his followers
will accept the title of minister, though they will take the office, car
and money. It is unclear if Bibi's tactic of making everyone else in
the party chief rabbi is sufficient, as Satmar Hasidim cannot make do
with only one. Bibi contacted the Shahidy Pines Retirement Home to see
if Abu Mazen can offer Neturei Karta a Chief Rabbi of the Palestinian
Authority position, but Abbas was too busy eating tapioca pudding to
take his call.
BREAKING: Stav Shaffir has been
replaced by Tzipi Livni, but no one knows if she's still in the party.
Her whereabouts remain unknown at press time. Also her whyabouts.
the greatest comeback of this election cycle must be that of Eli
Yishai. Just last month, he won a primary for the polygamist slot in the
Joint List, and he has already taken over the party by offering women
chocolate bars for each room they clean for Eid al-Adha. When asked how
she felt about his new wives, the first Mrs. Yishai had no comment,
because she is invisible. Ousted leader Ayman Oudeh noted that like
haredi women, Arab citizens of Israel "were used to being screwed by
Undoubtedly, the true power lies in the brand-new
centrist socio- economic party, filled with brilliant people who are
political novices, led by former Likudnik Gideon Saar, Mistaarim. With
his dozen seats, he plans to take over the Finance Ministry and "blah,
blah, blah." When his predecessor Moshe Kahlon was asked why he was
still smiling after failing to pass the electoral threshold, he
responded, "No, my face is stuck this way. Help." Yesh Atid held on with
four seats, and leader Yair Lapid lamented, "At least Kahlon gets to go
home. What the hell am I supposed to do?" Then he remembered that he is
still hot and rich, and started smiling as well.
BREAKING: Tzipi Livni has been replaced by Shimon Peres, but no one tell him, because he's 93 and the shock might kill him.
the question remains if Bibi can govern after some of the extreme
statements he made in the last days of the campaign. He clarified that
when he said "Blow the Dome of the Rock and rebuild the Temple," he
meant: "I know to take stock and restrain my temper." As for his
infamous "towelhead" comment, he explained: "That was taken totally out
of context. I was talking about that scene in romantic comedies when the
female lead comes out in a bathrobe and a towel wrapped elaborately on
her head. I find it trite and cliched." As for his statement to
President Hillary Clinton that "America can suck a dick," he elucidated,
"I meant that one. But don't get me wrong, America is still Israel's
greatest vassal--I mean, ally."
When asked about the prospects of
this government serving a full term, all 120 members of Knesset issued a
rare joint statement: "You've gotta be f-cking kidding me."