Talking about sex crimes in an insular religious community is hard. That is why I offer you today a handy form for dealing with the latest rabbinical sex-criminal story. Just fill in the biographical and geographical details, and you're ready to go!
Jewish community of __________ was shocked to learn today that
respected local Rabbi __________ has been implicated in a sex crime.
"We're so shocked to hear this," said one community member. "And it's so totally unprecedented!"
police said they are investigating the allegations of __________,
against Rabbi __________including putting his __________ on the
__________ of unsuspecting community members who came to him for
guidance and counseling.
"We're flabbergasted, gobsmacked and
dumbfounded," said the head of the rabbinical council of __________.
"There was no way any of us could have seen this coming. I mean, there
were allegations of sexual and professional impropriety, and we gave
them all the weight that we would any such accusations coming from
women, children, non-Jews or non-religious Jews, all of whose testimony
is deemed inadmissible by the Torah. Perhaps there had been some
transgression of Jewish law, but certainly a man who violates what he
spends his entire career exhorting others to follow would not dare
commit a crime! I mean, in this case, he did, but did I mention how
awestruck, dumbstruck and thunderstruck we are? And it's so totally
However, some in the community cautioned against
premature adjudication. "Let's not rush to judgment," said longtime
supporter __________. "Let's wait until after arrest, indictment, trial,
conviction, sentencing, appeal and the civil suit to discuss this
issue. At that point, I will remind you that a) Rabbi __________ has
paid his debt to society; b) no one really knows what went on behind
closed doors except Rabbi __________, the complainant and any electronic
recording devices present; c) you apparently haven't heard of the
Jewish concept of repentance. Look, he once gave a sermon I really
liked. Could such a man commit such a crime? It just doesn't add up. And
it's so totally unprecedented!"
Others argued that the failure
was systemic. "We must face the grim reality and an issue which haunts
our community," opined one observer. "It's high time our schools,
synagogues and communities face the real problem: insufficient Internet
connectivity. Surely if Rabbi __________ had access streaming
high-definition pornography, this heinous crime would never have been
committed." Other likely culprits identified were bible criticism,
leftist media, female rabbis and the gays.
Jewish leaders across
the greater __________ area were particularly alarmed. "I am extremely
concerned about what this means for our community," said __________.
"Wait, what does he wear on his head? Well, that's not my style of
headgear. I'm not surprised that a practitioner of that type of Judaism would do such a foul thing. Even though it's so totally unprecedented."
__________ has been suspended while the investigation continues. While
this community digests its shock, everyone agrees on one thing: there is
absolutely nothing to be learnt from this experience.