Tuesday, April 23, 2013

Musical Healing

Two weeks ago, Brad Paisley and LL Cool J solved racial tensions forever with the smash hit "Accidental Racist.”

One week ago, Stephen Colbert and Alan Cumming ended the war between the sexual orientations with "Oopsie-Daisy Homophobe."

Today, to confront the oldest scourge of all, I present "Casual Anti-Semite,” which I envision as a duet between Chris O'Donnell and Matisyahu, or possibly between Taylor Swift and Ice-T (known collectively as Taylice), or maybe Adam Levine and 50 Cent, since they share a hatred of shirts. In any case, there's room to feature numerous other artists. Remember, if you feel outraged, that means we're undergoing some serious ethno-religious healing.

Also remember, there are no gays in Iran.

Your swastika and jackboots
Have me shvitzing in my black suit.
Don't rag on Hasidic style
And I'll forget your Sieg Heil

 If you don’t judge my summer camps
 I’ll forget the concentration camps.
[Pitbull: Torquemada, Intifadah/ Masada--¡de nada!]

Let's share some Manischewitz
Conversate Auschwitz.
[Bieber: Imma be frank/ bout A Frank. Shawty dies of typhus/ But her tale's timeless.]

If you don’t judge my challah braids
I’ll forget the Crusades.
No mergers and acquisition
I’ll ignore the Inquisition.

If you don't judge my peyos 
I'll forget the ghettoes. 
My bad for poisoning your wells
With my gefilte-fishin' smells. 

Sorry for killing your Lord
And all the gold that we hoard.
I don't blame Henry Ford
Or that Klansman with his sword.

All you Yidden and you shiksas.
We gotta find some fixes.
Now what do you say?
[Aguilera: So don’t you Jew me down today… oy vey!]

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